i don't know what to say.
i'm so shocked at what people can say when they are bent on achieving something. the kind of harshness, brutality and even inhumanity that you can bring out with your tongue when you want it to. i know, it may not always be lies. and sometimes "liang2 yao4 ku2 kou3 li4 yu2 bing4". but really, my instinct just tells me that it isn't real. and it isn't even just me, a couple friends think the same too. so what is really happening here? can i even trust you anymore? i don't even know who to trust now. no one really speaks whats on his mind anymore in this time age and place. but then again, sometimes neither do i. it rather seems everyone's become skilled at keeping things to themselves and only saying things that will help them achieve their ends. quite a pathetic world to be in if i must say so myself.

maybe it'll work, maybe it'll not. and maybe i have been deluding myself all this while. but then again, you really won't know until you know. if it's of any comfort to myself it's that at least i see some worth or reason for me to continue like this, even if it may be silly or that it'll eventually come to nought and but bring me more pain and suffering for the future days to come. only that, i may hopefully now hold a different mindset to it. no more fretting over it day and night; i'd just do whatever i can, when i can, and if it doesn't work out, well, too bad. it's not the first thing in my life that's failed for me, and trust me i've had more things not work out for me than most other poeple might have. so it's really not a new feeling anymore, quite familiar even. and failures are supposed to make you stronger, so...i'm trying to look on the bright side here, heh.

there ARE other things to do in life. npcc is one. now i feel a bit happier; i'm really excited when i think about planning a couple new npcc ventures or initiatives. it'll be really fun...i guess that's where all the hoohah about being a pioneer stems from. not just this, just thinking about my unit and going down for training is a wonderful prospect. meh, i won't even mind if you tell me now that trainings are increased to 3 times a week. i mean like bring it on i'd be more than happy to go.
and yesterday had a nice talk with joseph (my npcc senior). got alot of ideas and perspectives about what CIs should do...and i must say that although some of my initial notions were challenged i saw his point and went over to his side.
sadly, he's going off for NS in a week's time...rather sad to see him go. will miss him...even though we spend alot of time suanning each other and things like that, we both know that we love npcc and it's very sad to see such an excellent CI like him go. and i couldn't express how grateful i am for his affirmation to me that "work hard CI jun xiang, i know you love npcc". deep down, we all are the same isnt it. willing to do whatever we can to improve the unit, help the cadets, make it a better place for all of them. even if it means sacrificing mugging time, time to hang out with friends, time to slack/sleep. isnt that the real beauty and the true essence of liking something? you don't need a particular reason or justified rationale, you just go on and do it...and it's a really, really great driving force in my opinion.

yup, and npcc will probably be what will pull me through whatever hard times lie ahead of me. which is very very likely. sometimes i can't believe it myself, when did i grow such an attachment to NP. but it's definitely true, yes it is. now, i need to go and check again whether its possible to extend CI term after our tertiary study years. maybe HO? haha nah (HAHA HO neville NAH...) maybe not, its rather sucky to go through additional courses and probationary periods but i'll keep that as an option anyway. might be fun to relive the experience...which i vaguely recalled during the trip to HTA yesterday for the final day of HQ duty. wasn't much fun, but there were some enjoyable times reminiscing CIBTC D'08. ah, we all hated it but somehow we actually miss the things that brought us so much pain and caused so much groaning moaning and complaning. life's just weird in this way...

hope i can really get over all this soon...there're still so many things waiting for me to do! i won't spend/dedicate my time to thinking excessively about that anymore...it doesn't do much good in particular and its also bad for health. yup, so am bouncing back! even if just gradually or just a little, at least it's a start yea. oh, i love this place for what it can offer me...something of a shelter where i can seek solace comfort and quiet in? haha...