i think i've come to terms with myself, finally.

it's been said to death that crying over spilt milk doesn't help. but you can't know how hard it is to hold back your imminent tears till you reach the brink of release of it yourself.

i think it's suffice to say that i've got my own (rightful) just desserts in terms of my results. however sad or devastated i may be, everything is fixed already and that's that. life goes on regardless of whether you're living in heaven or hell.

results can be improved, i am sure of this a 100%. i'm just really concerned about whether i can get that h3 that i've wanted since maybe mid-year. looking at my results chances are hardly (or shall i say not at all) optimistic.
assuming things stay the way they are (ie my parents have no sudden huge arguments), i'm probably sticking with this one choice. if i don't get it, i'll just be sad and move on from there. i'm not bothering to even try for something that i have no interest in, simply because i see no point. heck the scholarships and prestige and whatnot.
hmm, i just realised that there was this something that yitian mentioned awhile back that made alot of sense really. it was in the context of music, but still applicable. she said that i'm devoted to the things i like, and once i like something the liking's going to last for really long. it was said half-jokingly actually but you know how some things just dawn upon you and you realise, this is way accurate.
i love the way how some people can come up with lines like that. seriously awesome.

i've recently got into the habit/addiction (if you could call it) of buying books! i couldn't believe it myself but yes. reminds me how i barely read 10 books in my childhood days. i was super picky, even enid blyton (pardon if there's a typo, i can't remember) didn't appeal to me much. all i wanted to read was about dinosaurs, animals, that kind of stuff. weird me aside, but the point was that i read pretty little when i was young. and just this year i've got myself close to 10 new books..if i were to do a quick classification of them, well first thing is that they are ALL non fiction. next is that quite a few are on self improvement (gasp if you want, i'm used to those reactions heh), and the rest are on really interesting stuff which i shall keep mystery ha. if you really want to know you can always ask me personally.
i think the main reason why books are getting to me all of a sudden this year is that i've gained (somehow or other) the emotional and maybe intellectual maturity to comprehend and appreciate these finer things in life. it's true that books are limited, become outdated eventually and whatnot, but it's also true that books can teach/tell you so much that you would otherwise not have known.

managed to get down to slightly more substantial chinese mugging today. not an achievement yet, but it's something. i remember saying over a certain lunch that chinese is interesting, but studying it the way institutions make it to be sucks. i think learning should never be confined to such a fixed template/format where possible. it restricts real uninhibited learning at its core.

actually, i've got alot of things i want to change in this world. maybe it's my idealist personality, who knows, but i'm finding that this world has alot that can be changed for the better. just the other day i was saying how alarm clocks need to be reinvented because there are many people (like me) who can be awoken by the alarm, slam it shut and then go back to sleep again. and i came up with good but sadly pretty unfeasible methods of reinvention. this is just one example but there are many more things that i could possibly change if only i could place myself in the right tracks with the right contacts/people/authority to do so.
isn't life about making a difference, or your own little contribution in your own little way? this is probably it.

now you must be wondering why i'm finding/having time to blog when i lament about having only 2 weeks (alittle less than that actually) to study. all i can say is that blogging the way i do soothes my mind and spirit, however ridiculous, iffy or laughable that may sound to you.

i'm so glad that npcc will be resuming next week. among other things, it has sustained the little pleasures and satisfactions in jc life thus far, and will continue to do so for as long as i remain with the unit.

enough has been said. and to counteract the ill lingering aftereffects of reading my previous depressing post:

i feel much better now.