alright, i'm updating so much that i even surprise myself. this was not the way it was meant to be, but i think writing when i find it necessary isn't too ridiculous.

i guess i may have seen the other side of some people today. one that i'd not have expected. but maybe i really thought too little of others/had too biased a view of them.

PW is really a bother, everyone's getting so damn uptight about it. worrying about who you'll kena, for lack of a better word. of course so am i, naturally, but really what can we do but speculate? in fact speculation may just make it worse since you're looking at the worst case scenario most of the time.
nevertheless, i must say it was fun bitching while it lasted =)

recently i've been losing confidence in myself. over almost everything.

all of a sudden, i felt like something has changed about npcc. i can't put it in words exactly, but it's as if i've gotten/strained too far from my cadets. and my previous squad (current sec2s) seem like nothing more than a shadow of their former self. what's happened? i have no idea, and all of a sudden i feel simply helpless. i can't even foresee anything positive coming out of the sec3 squad at the end of the year.
and am i even doing enough as a CI? forget the comparison with previous years' CIs, with my fello CI, with my previous post as NCO, whatever. try as i might i end every training with the feeling that i've not done enough. that i haven't made my mark for the day. am i being too ambitious here? no idea.
and it doesnt help that virtually everyone around me is dampening my very rationale for going back to help. i try to not think about all those comments, but they inevitably get through to me. yes it affects me, greatly. if the squads are actually showing me some sort of motivation and spirit i might be able to get through all of this. sometimes motivation isnt just required of the seniors to motivate the juniors; the other way is equally important.

i'm scared that i'll end these 2 years with insurmountable regrets.
not doing enough for npcc and not getting the chance to do anymore.
not doing well for A levels.
not making the friends that i wanted to make.
not opening up enough.
not treasuring every moment that i have now.


i really really need someone to tell all this too. perhaps one day when i suddenly disappear from this place for ages, it would mean that i've found that someone to tell all this to. i believe there would then not be a need for me to rant everything here.

i just feel really down right now.